The Frederick Gunn Student Newspaper

The Bourne Rebellion

Photo by Josh Novick ’21

By Drew Sutherland ’21

*disclaimer: this article is for comedic purposes only*

In the past few days, a contagious new movement has begun to spread on campus: a dangerous group of anti-maskers that has the potential to send the entire school into year- long distance learning.

This group of antimaskers, simply calling themselves the Bourne Rebellion, has amassed over 25 members through Bournes 2 and 3, and may have even changed the mind of a dorm parent. Sadly, if this group is left unchecked, it is possible that the members of both Bourne cohorts will be sent into remote learning.

The Bourne Rebellion has done a very good job keeping itself unknown, with all students practicing proper social distancing and mask-wearing, up until a faculty member appears. I have also brought in the help of Mr. Arkin, a math and our current Computer Science teacher, to analyze the computer code of certain emails sent between members of Bourne 2 and 3. The simple text may say something as simple as “What was the Pre-Calc homework?”, but when Mr. Arkin and I analyzed the code, this message appeared: TAKE IT OFF. Other subliminal messages that occur within emails between members and those not yet indoctrinated, include NO MASK, NO PROBLEMS, and FREE YOUR FACE! 

Using a special press mask given to me by one of the heads of the Bourne Rebellion, I was able to organize a few interviews with members of the Bourne cohorts who are either actively participating in or aware of their presence. 

A student thinking of joining this group who wished to remain anonymous told me that the Bourne Rebellion, “seems awesome cause like they do not wear masks or socially distance. They fight for their freedom”. When asked for comment, Josh Novick, Head Prefect, said this was the first he had heard of the Bourne Rebellion. He then laughed nervously, put his hands over his face, and sprinted away, while making a phone call and ripping off his mask. 

Stay alert, anyone can be an anti-masker.

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